UPDATE: BIGFOOT COMMENTS ON CONSPIRACY TO DENY AN ENTIRE SPECIES

From the underworld of our mutual nightmares comes an answer no one expected, least of all yours truly. I bring you an exclusive interview. Yes, my first interview on my blog is with Miss Bigfoot.

She calls herself Sasha.

Q: What prompted you to do the interview, considering the need for secrecy about your location?

A: Every living being must shout its truth from the treetops. To do otherwise is an unforgivable offense.

Q: How do you explain the recently publicized findings concerning the hair samples claimed to be from one of your own? Are they fake, gathered from many animals in order to dupe scientists?

A: Imagine someone scoured a parking lot you’d walked through for evidence and then asked you to explain what was there.

Q: Noted. About the video, to me it seems real enough until we get a good shot of the backside. It looks like a pair of furry briefs pulled over an awesome monster movie costume. Can you give me your impression?

A: If humans dredged woodlands instead of sidewalks, they’d have similar glute muscles. Backside hair is better off trimmed, but in the sixties, well. We were behind back then. You won’t see one of us like that these days.

At this moment, I pause to consider Charmin commercials in a whole new light. Let’s get general.

Q: What do you wish the world to know about your kind?

A: We are real. Our numbers often dwindle,  but we are hardly extinct. Most of us respect humans. Please. Stop acting like paparazzi. Your vacation spot happens to be where we do our business. When humans advance enough to handle nature without walls, we’ll hang then.

Um. With me flabbergasted, the rest of the interview dissolves into polite send-offs.

No visual contact was made with Miss Bigfoot, and proof positive of the species remains to be seen. So, if your fourth celebrations involve wooded areas, take care of who’s sharing it with you.

Remastered Bigfoot More or Less Fake? Watch!

image

This holiday we have more to consider than fireworks and freedom. We have new insights into Bigfoot’s existence peppering the news.

In 1967, Roger set out on horseback, hunting Bigfoot with a timeless weapon – a camera. They made history. Keep in mind, they had admittedly planned to shoot a Bigfoot movie and chose a research area known for reported sightings. During this research exposition, they captured what they claim to be the creature on film. The footage begins once the cameraman’s horse was calmed down.

Recent efforts stabilized this film and isolated some of the best footage of the Sasquatch (or Yeti) of the northern wilderness. Check out the results on YouTube.

REAL?

My initial reaction is mixed. Cryptozoologists deny the existence of this and many other mythical beasts. But who’s to say that we haven’t discovered all of Earth’s denizens just yet? It’s a wide world and the uncharted is under speculation, not regulation.

Besides, if I was a previously uncategorized ape-man, I’d be busy avoiding the community spirit at the fated wildlife reserve. Or worse.

Let’s take a look at the specimen as caught on camera. Those long toes. Those intense eyes. Those jiggly jugs. There’s is a visceral argument of authenticity. But that booty? That’s faker than an aging rock star’s promo photos. And the swinging arms? The homosapien-like gait?

Nah!

Furthermore, genetics professor Bryan Sykes from Oxford University tested the DNA of a supposed hair swatch from Sasquatch. His findings revealed the hair more likely originated from various forest animals – like wolves, bears, and squirrels – than one legendary beast.

Looks like our festivities can continue without fear of Sasquatch attack. Phew.

Stalk Not, Waste Not

For entertainment purposes only. Don’t call me on this. Literally.

So, I sometimes find myself thinking of things to say far after the conversation has ended, the event past, an appropriate opportunity gone. Speaking of which, this may seem inappropriate anyway. So goes for this blog post. But, we are talking about those ‘far past appropriate’ moments. Like when a blasted romantic song feels like a drill bit to the temples, affection like warm sandpaper, a stolen kiss like a face rape, a plea for attention – a cry for psychiatric drugs.

After hanging with some gal pals, I happen to be currently meditating upon stalkers. Or acute social annoyances. A rose fertilizer by any other name…

image

Socially unawares

Talk about real life horror. Stalkers come in many packages, but most are covered in low self worth, tell-tale overblown idealism, or unrequited introspection. Driven? Obsessive? Intense? Often all three. Stalkers somehow lack essential understanding of very basic concepts. Like that of freewill. Or of the definition of harassment. Or personal space.

Or the weightlessness of letting go.

Signs that you may have encountered a stalker might include; text messages from the individual – perhaps numbering in the two or three digit variety – most closely resemble a conversation they are having with themselves, the hairs on the back of your neck rest only at night (when you cannot), random acts of serendipity, and/or changing your name has become a viable option.

Signs that you may be a stalker? Honestly, if you have to wonder, you probably already know.

Though mildly a subject of my expertize, while I never really got why, I got lucky. God blessed me with the kind of personality, and family, that naturally repels such creature attacks.

To ward off unwanted affections (or perhaps complicate matters further) I once executed a trick learned from my older sis. It seems dirty but calms the waters for a while. Especially if threats have become a part of the package.

The simple premise: start a rumor you are dating a cop or the like. Think ‘Easy A’ plus ‘Jump Street,’ which might be called “Easy Street.’ A risky endeavour, yes, but desperate times… Well, you know.

It seriously takes zero dates, only a few public appearances (plain clothed) which should include some arm locking, hand-to-back placing, and endearment calling. Courting the five-o gets noticed fast and outlasts even the most stubborn of other rumors.

You go, you dirty lil cop dater.* Just get ready for some very creative nicknames and a challengingly enriched social life.

Meanwhile, enjoy many late nights free of multiple phonecalls, belligerent voice mails, or heaping text messages. Walk outside without fear of being grabbed. Enjoy the idea of the opposite sex in the nearer future. All for the low, low price of your soul.

And the next time you catch CSI or Criminal Minds alone at night, you won’t imagine your name on a report. As much.

They had a saying in school, “snitches get stitches (or ditches, depending on whom you asked). You might substitute, “stalkers get walkers (or chalkers)”. In trusted company, anyways.

The truth?

* personal experiences may vary. Offer not suggested valid in geographical areas where dating a cop makes your stalker look like your ally.

Dealing with stalkers is serious. There is help. Don’t isolate yourself. Do exercise caution. Keep calm and continue on. Be kind, but never rewind. Your life is better off with someone who allows you the choice to be in theirs.

If you found this, you can find more resources online. While joking can ease tensions, it can also me misconstrued. Don’t play the threat game. Be polite, firm, and grounded. Cops can help. Talk to them.

On the other hand, if you have trouble letting go yourself, remember that nothing is worth chasing your self respect away for. Sometimes you really do get what you need without getting what you want. Besides, ill gotten gains are never treasures, as they always develop an unsightly patina.

Your life is better lived in the now and hereafter than in the past. And you do deserve people who make a choice to be in your life. Get off facebook, stop wondering what they’re up to, and concentrate on you.

More meme wisdom to follow, via facebook.

RLH – Update

My ‘puter is at the doctor’s office. One swipe of a flash drive sure could’ve saved me some money. For you, post reader, do call someone when doing any at-home programing.
My hopes are that my docs will be restored. They say it looks good. Turns out, computer memory works much like a book. Inside, there’s a table of contents. No matter what reformatting is done, which is what this amateur attempted, there is still a slot filled with previous formatting. All they need to do is find the right spot in the TOC. Fingers shaking and crossed. Oh, and I picked up a new hub whilst I was there. Yay me. :S

Real Life Horror – Windows Unable to Start or My Misadventures in Hubbing

I own a laptop which operates Windows 7. It has two USB ports, far less than what I require. Frustrated with swapping devices in and out and trying to get them recognized, I purchased a ten port hub on eBay, which arrived yesterday. I liked the wall mounting option because of my small desk area. And the price.
I unwrapped it and plugged it into the powerstrip and connected my keyboard, mouse, printer, and then laptop via its special cord.
The horror begins.
My HP went black screen of nothingness. Needless to say, I unhooked everything and began to act like I was locking up inside myself. All the work I have done and failed to back up raced through my mind like the matrix green and black screen on speed. My brain began to overheat. Three keys glowed on the laptops keyboard, but no startup. I turned it off and began my plans for panic attack.
After my boyfriend – hereby known as Magic Finger of Hope – pushed the power button, it finally spit out something about thermal hibernation. We let it power down and set to cool.
I read reviews on Amazon (post purchase of USB hub) to find out that it A)Does not support Windows 7 and B) Can possibly BACKFEED POWER.
Oh good. Backfeed as in distributing power to things that do not need it. Maybe that was why the battery was acting as nuclear reactor. I might be dramatizing a bit. Only a bit.
Hot lil laptop plus writer deadlines plus Meri equals you-haven’t-seen-crazy-yet-beeches.
So, I am in “this may take several minutes” stage of startup repair mode. Oh, dear Lord please save my files.
For all of you readers (all seven of you) DO read reviews BEFORE you purchase anything that connects to the multihundred dollar device of your favor. Just do.
Oh my God. A new screen. Let’s hope it doesn’t contain the word fail!

Okay, recovery process has begun. File backup first, then restore. Wish me luck, loyal fans!

Never Give Up, Just Bury Yourself in It

I’m posting this today with irony. Editing this for press, my mind is on the fact that I’ve possibly lost quite a few files that older versions do not compare to. Backup often, and well. I will not, however, give it up. What a glorious opportunity to rewrite. (Silent screams)
On to the post.

Do I ever want to give it up? Someone asked me this about writing. In fact, another – less avid reader, mind you – suggested it unless I started imagining love stories versus horror tales.
Do I want to give it all up some days? No, I say. I take heart from the greats and occasionally envision digging a long, shallow hole, crawling in, and scooping handfuls of dirt over myself. It’s not suicide, it’s good business sense. Dead writers are more salable (sans writer salaries), and exponentially more likely to become famous writers.
I’m sure the climate down there might get to me, and I would soon find myself lumbering around like the walking dead after the next agent. Perfect pitch, indeed.
Imagine a living dead version of a lemonade stand. I with my dreams, making the best of it. All I need is customers.
Maybe the first few won’t like it. Too sweet. Too sour. Too light, too heavy. Too lemony.
Everyone’s a critic. Seldom do words of praise get uttered. They are tucked away behind fear and excuses. Instead we get buried in complaints. Sometimes ones from left field. Don’t get me wrong, advice is precious to me. I thrive on the fact that someone deems me worthy to receive it. It is an honor to be chosen as a potential learner. Think of how few people you wish to openly advise. Now imagine yourself a busy editor. If only I knew the proper way to send concise thank you notes to all those who offer me assistance.
But, some say that sometimes bad calls get made. A sentence is murdered because of a bubbly coffee burp turns it sour in someone’s mind. Don’t tear it up, they say. Send on. Crunch on. Go on.
That’s life. Don’t sweat the setbacks, the sludge, the bad calls, the negativity or even the silence. Just bury yourself in the goods. Accept the possibility of success (in life, preferably!), and trudge on.
Bury me in progress.

Walk on the Dark Side

image

Music can change our hearts, but can it change our minds? What if life reflected a song instead of the other way around?

Inspired ny music, the anthology Dark Side of the Moon contains short fiction from the ragged, mad corners of the mind. Named after Pink Floyd’s album of the same name, this book stretches the imagination to the tunes of some psychedelic progressive rock.

Plus, my short story “Couple Modifications” is on the set list! (Catches random clothing article and flashes winning smile.)

Dark Side of the Moon is now available on amazon and createspace! Will update the fiction page shortly, but here are the links. Kindle on amazon.com or paperback at createspace

Attention: Small victories may result in… fright?

arizona-iced-tea-can-63

Warning: Not to be used as prosthetic

In life, any victory along the way can encourage us, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to others. For instance, putting your shoes on the right foot the morning after can really boost your survival-type confidence level. In the event of a disheveling event like an apocalypse, you will at least not have smushed toes whilst running to safety.

Yesterday, I didn’t finish the Great American Novel. I didn’t become a New York Times Bestseller. I didn’t get Doubleday or Scribner to know my name. I’m still not in the Horror Writers Association.

But, I did see my name on an Amazon Author Page.

It was kind of devastating in a nice way. It really is no lie that success is far more frightening than failure. Now, don’t get the idea that I think this is some milestone of grandeur. I just feel this spot in stomach that must be housing thousands of cocoons of butterflies to come. It’s not spinning or bubbling, but preparing. For the inevitable. The inevitable what? Attention. That thing equally required and threatening to living a truly prosperous life.

Didn’t I start doing this because stickball was too violent and I preferred the company of a keyboard? It never criticizes my multiple perspectives or shallow indignities or even my pathetic pleas for.. oh, yeah. Attention.

It’s really no wonder that word appears on labels before important warnings, like, say, do not dry pets in microwave or hammers may be harmful if swallowed (Miley, that means you!).

So, speaking of attention, I’m good. Really. But buy the one book on the page, and any scheduled after. Just, um, never mind me.

Unmasked: Real Halloween Costumes

image

Vintage Halloween costumes rival modern gore with atmosphere

Here’s looking at you this Halloween!

Halloween has changed over the years, as have the styles of costumes we wear. Now, Pinterest influences us more than the local five and dime. The best  costume pins that don’t require masks and leave colored contacts optional, I bring to you.

Besides well-known characters, we have plenty of clever, homemade, and fun costumes to choose from. Some are elaborate and some are great last-minute endeavors. And some are for professionals, but sure look cool.

If planning to go out with others, you could try to match them. If you are fortunate enough to entice a group into a coordinating costumes, the looks below are real winners.

Some other ideas might include: pop star nightmares, dark parodies, Sharknado style matchups…

imageThese lurking silhouettes are elegant and frightening. Black skin suits can be purchased, or tights might do the trick, too. Matching blacks might be a major challenge, but it will be worth it for the finished product.

Warning: shadow children may be impossible to locate in the dark. Adults could make great use of this costume themselves.

image

Fitting in

Remember Tetris? This group does! Kind of looks like portable furniture, right?

image

Wine-y

Another popular group trend leans toward alcoholic beverage themed costumes. Whether you pick flavors of vodka, wine, or shooters to express yourself, try to keep the outfits upright on the dance floor.

Mixed drinks could inspire some interesting interpretations of their names when set to attire.

*_*

And my favorite group costume is…

image

These positively photographic three take black and white to the next level with grayscale makeup. If you can’t afford grey or black contacts when picking up your rinse out hair tints, think color splash photography.

Maybe you don’t have access to a whole group for a costume. You may still be able to rope one other person into your trickery this Hallows Eve. Though some of these group costumes would be just as nice in a pair, I’ll show you some others I found instead.

image

Another fun costume idea revolves around childhood toys. Yes, those things before the Xbox. Physical toys. Tangible play things. Anyways.

I remember little green army men like it was yesterday. Loved them back then, and still do. This would be great for a group or a one man unit. Real life in plastic takes no prisoners!

wpid-7d5c132caa91221b3ebc15939d316412.jpg

image

How cute! Admit it, you have a soft spot for nerds too!

gothic

American Gothic

image

Cops & Doughnuts. They go together like a horse and carriage.

Clever ideas and simple construction equals super fun Halloween party attire.

image

Day of the Dead inspired looks are perfect for couples. This could be a fairly inexpensive costume variation to put together, too. Think paint on an old jacket, face paint, fake flowers, and headband.

*_*

Maybe you’d like to be your own pair? Who’s to stop you with this updated classic look?

image

If you like to do things yourself, there are plenty of DIY costumes that are very fun and scary. Just be realistic.

You may want the nurse on Silent Hill look, but you aren’t a professional.

image

What these guys did was a lot more fun! (And cheaper.)

image

“Little pig, little pig. Let me in.”

c68bc0a05985e259c90272705ab65c57

Baseball trophy

But, if you insist on making pretty ugly this October, here are some looks that YouTube might be able to teach you.

image

image

image

Pop art

imageimageimage

image

Zipper face

image

And some you might be able to figure out on your own.

image

“Always gonna be an uphill battle…”

image

Body bag

image

Steampunk

image

Go, Gadget, go!

image

“Wanna take a bath?”

image

Do you Voodoo?

image

And some that are a little more advanced, but may also inspire.

Whether ghostly or shady, people will take notice.

image

Apparition

image

The Shadows

image

The Real Perfect Storm

image

True Doll

image

Ice Queen

Hope you enjoyed. Good luck on that costume.