UPDATE: BIGFOOT COMMENTS ON CONSPIRACY TO DENY AN ENTIRE SPECIES

From the underworld of our mutual nightmares comes an answer no one expected, least of all yours truly. I bring you an exclusive interview. Yes, my first interview on my blog is with Miss Bigfoot.

She calls herself Sasha.

Q: What prompted you to do the interview, considering the need for secrecy about your location?

A: Every living being must shout its truth from the treetops. To do otherwise is an unforgivable offense.

Q: How do you explain the recently publicized findings concerning the hair samples claimed to be from one of your own? Are they fake, gathered from many animals in order to dupe scientists?

A: Imagine someone scoured a parking lot you’d walked through for evidence and then asked you to explain what was there.

Q: Noted. About the video, to me it seems real enough until we get a good shot of the backside. It looks like a pair of furry briefs pulled over an awesome monster movie costume. Can you give me your impression?

A: If humans dredged woodlands instead of sidewalks, they’d have similar glute muscles. Backside hair is better off trimmed, but in the sixties, well. We were behind back then. You won’t see one of us like that these days.

At this moment, I pause to consider Charmin commercials in a whole new light. Let’s get general.

Q: What do you wish the world to know about your kind?

A: We are real. Our numbers often dwindle,  but we are hardly extinct. Most of us respect humans. Please. Stop acting like paparazzi. Your vacation spot happens to be where we do our business. When humans advance enough to handle nature without walls, we’ll hang then.

Um. With me flabbergasted, the rest of the interview dissolves into polite send-offs.

No visual contact was made with Miss Bigfoot, and proof positive of the species remains to be seen. So, if your fourth celebrations involve wooded areas, take care of who’s sharing it with you.

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Remastered Bigfoot More or Less Fake? Watch!

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This holiday we have more to consider than fireworks and freedom. We have new insights into Bigfoot’s existence peppering the news.

In 1967, Roger set out on horseback, hunting Bigfoot with a timeless weapon – a camera. They made history. Keep in mind, they had admittedly planned to shoot a Bigfoot movie and chose a research area known for reported sightings. During this research exposition, they captured what they claim to be the creature on film. The footage begins once the cameraman’s horse was calmed down.

Recent efforts stabilized this film and isolated some of the best footage of the Sasquatch (or Yeti) of the northern wilderness. Check out the results on YouTube.

REAL?

My initial reaction is mixed. Cryptozoologists deny the existence of this and many other mythical beasts. But who’s to say that we haven’t discovered all of Earth’s denizens just yet? It’s a wide world and the uncharted is under speculation, not regulation.

Besides, if I was a previously uncategorized ape-man, I’d be busy avoiding the community spirit at the fated wildlife reserve. Or worse.

Let’s take a look at the specimen as caught on camera. Those long toes. Those intense eyes. Those jiggly jugs. There’s is a visceral argument of authenticity. But that booty? That’s faker than an aging rock star’s promo photos. And the swinging arms? The homosapien-like gait?

Nah!

Furthermore, genetics professor Bryan Sykes from Oxford University tested the DNA of a supposed hair swatch from Sasquatch. His findings revealed the hair more likely originated from various forest animals – like wolves, bears, and squirrels – than one legendary beast.

Looks like our festivities can continue without fear of Sasquatch attack. Phew.