Stalk Not, Waste Not

For entertainment purposes only. Don’t call me on this. Literally.

So, I sometimes find myself thinking of things to say far after the conversation has ended, the event past, an appropriate opportunity gone. Speaking of which, this may seem inappropriate anyway. So goes for this blog post. But, we are talking about those ‘far past appropriate’ moments. Like when a blasted romantic song feels like a drill bit to the temples, affection like warm sandpaper, a stolen kiss like a face rape, a plea for attention – a cry for psychiatric drugs.

After hanging with some gal pals, I happen to be currently meditating upon stalkers. Or acute social annoyances. A rose fertilizer by any other name…

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Socially unawares

Talk about real life horror. Stalkers come in many packages, but most are covered in low self worth, tell-tale overblown idealism, or unrequited introspection. Driven? Obsessive? Intense? Often all three. Stalkers somehow lack essential understanding of very basic concepts. Like that of freewill. Or of the definition of harassment. Or personal space.

Or the weightlessness of letting go.

Signs that you may have encountered a stalker might include; text messages from the individual – perhaps numbering in the two or three digit variety – most closely resemble a conversation they are having with themselves, the hairs on the back of your neck rest only at night (when you cannot), random acts of serendipity, and/or changing your name has become a viable option.

Signs that you may be a stalker? Honestly, if you have to wonder, you probably already know.

Though mildly a subject of my expertize, while I never really got why, I got lucky. God blessed me with the kind of personality, and family, that naturally repels such creature attacks.

To ward off unwanted affections (or perhaps complicate matters further) I once executed a trick learned from my older sis. It seems dirty but calms the waters for a while. Especially if threats have become a part of the package.

The simple premise: start a rumor you are dating a cop or the like. Think ‘Easy A’ plus ‘Jump Street,’ which might be called “Easy Street.’ A risky endeavour, yes, but desperate times… Well, you know.

It seriously takes zero dates, only a few public appearances (plain clothed) which should include some arm locking, hand-to-back placing, and endearment calling. Courting the five-o gets noticed fast and outlasts even the most stubborn of other rumors.

You go, you dirty lil cop dater.* Just get ready for some very creative nicknames and a challengingly enriched social life.

Meanwhile, enjoy many late nights free of multiple phonecalls, belligerent voice mails, or heaping text messages. Walk outside without fear of being grabbed. Enjoy the idea of the opposite sex in the nearer future. All for the low, low price of your soul.

And the next time you catch CSI or Criminal Minds alone at night, you won’t imagine your name on a report. As much.

They had a saying in school, “snitches get stitches (or ditches, depending on whom you asked). You might substitute, “stalkers get walkers (or chalkers)”. In trusted company, anyways.

The truth?

* personal experiences may vary. Offer not suggested valid in geographical areas where dating a cop makes your stalker look like your ally.

Dealing with stalkers is serious. There is help. Don’t isolate yourself. Do exercise caution. Keep calm and continue on. Be kind, but never rewind. Your life is better off with someone who allows you the choice to be in theirs.

If you found this, you can find more resources online. While joking can ease tensions, it can also me misconstrued. Don’t play the threat game. Be polite, firm, and grounded. Cops can help. Talk to them.

On the other hand, if you have trouble letting go yourself, remember that nothing is worth chasing your self respect away for. Sometimes you really do get what you need without getting what you want. Besides, ill gotten gains are never treasures, as they always develop an unsightly patina.

Your life is better lived in the now and hereafter than in the past. And you do deserve people who make a choice to be in your life. Get off facebook, stop wondering what they’re up to, and concentrate on you.

More meme wisdom to follow, via facebook.

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